


The Wolfsbane Trials

by ProgramasaurusRex



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:46:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25602295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProgramasaurusRex/pseuds/ProgramasaurusRex
Summary: Severus believes he can improve upon the Wolfsbane potion and asks Remus to be his test subject. This leads to a lot of time spent together.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Comments: 7
Kudos: 76





	1. Hypothesis

"Ah, Severus," said Remus, inviting his new colleague into his new office. "What can I do for you?"

Severus settled into the chair facing Remus' desk.

"Good evening, Lupin," he said. "I have an academic proposal for you."

Lupin nodded politely. "Yes?"

Severus said, "As you know, the headmaster has asked me to brew the Wolfsbane potion for you each month."

"Yes, I'm quite grateful to you in advance," said Remus. "It's not an easy one, is it? And the ingredients are quite hard to come by."

Severus nodded. "That is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about, Lupin. For your first transformation at Hogwarts, I am brewing the recipe straight from the scroll, so we can establish a baseline. But with your consent, I'd like to try a few modifications for next month."

"Modifications?" asked Remus. "But surely with such a new potion, hardly even in the textbooks yet, it would be dangerous ..."

"That is precisely why I am interested," said Severus. "To be frank, I don't entirely trust the inventor to have perfected the potion yet, or to have optimized it fully for economic value."

Remus blushed. "Economic value? But surely you aren't purchasing the ingredients out of pocket?"

"You misunderstand," said Severus hurriedly. "I'm not being a skinflint for my own sake. My ingredients come out of the school budget. Many of them are grown by Sprout in the greenhouse, or supplied by Hagrid's menagerie in the forest. Both of them are very accommodating about assisting me in procuring unusual supplies."

"How convenient," said Remus.

Severus leaned a bit nearer to Remus. "My concern is for the public as a whole. I believe the inventor has deliberately published a recipe filled with unnecessarily expensive ingredients and time consuming processes, a recipe that does not accurately reflect what he uses when he brews it himself."

"You don't think it will be effective?" Remus asked.

"Oh, it will work well enough, if a bit heavy on the sedative," Severus acknowledged. "But it isn't the whole truth."

"Why would he conceal anything?" asked Remus.

"As naive as ever," Severus observed. "Do you recall what Damocles Belby was like at school?"

"Not really," said Remus. "Slytherin prefect, wasn't he? You would've known him better than I."

"It was not a pleasant association," said Severus.

"But what would he gain by being dishonest about his potion? Didn't he get an Order of Merlin for it?" asked Remus.

Severus said, "He wishes to be the wizarding world's main supplier of the potion. If that is indeed his aim, he is succeeding. I believe that with some reasonable modifications, any wizard with a NEWT in potions and a modest personal herb garden could brew it. Belby stumbled onto one rather brilliant reaction, but the rest of the potion is quite standard. If I am correct, there is no reason there shouldn't be a cauldron full of it freely available to the werewolf population at St. Mungo's each full moon."

Remus nodded. "I did wonder about a couple of the ingredients. A gallon of pure gillywater, simply for rinsing? Of course, I wouldn't have dreamed of messing about with such a high stakes potion."

"I suspect that is what Belby was counting on," said Severus. "However, I thought it would be churlish to challenge him without proof. Until now, I have not had any werewolves in my rolodex. Which brings me to you. If you would consent to be involved in some testing, I believe much progress could be made. In fact, in the long term, I hope to crack the entire werewolf affliction. With a polyjuice variant additive, a werewolf might keep his own body as well as his mind throughout the full moon."

Remus stared at him in awe. "That sounds wonderful. Of course, I would be happy to assist you in any way I can. It would be the least I could to to repay you. But ... do you think these experiments will be quite safe?"

"Scientific breakthroughs are never entirely safe," said Severus. "However, I would be ethically bound to keep you under observation as best I could while you were under the influence of any experimental brews. I would be on hand much of the time in any case to make notes, and I could arrange for one of the school elves to be on hand when I couldn't be."

"Well, after all, your personal career might stand to benefit," Remus observed.

Severus shot him a look.

"Come now," said Remus. "You were always an ambitious one, and you don't exactly seem enthralled by teaching. I always expected you to try for an apprenticeship after school, to one of the commercial laboratories."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "I have my reasons for remaining here, as do you, Lupin. I sense we would both find it more comfortable not to discuss them in any detail. Nevertheless, you are correct, if impertinent. I do enjoy a challenge, academically speaking, if the benefit to wizard kind were not incentive enough."

"Ridding the world of werewolves in the most humane way possible," said Remus.

Severus stood up. "Do you expect me to have forgotten my own brush with your wild state? I wouldn't wish such an experience on my worst enemy."

"No," said Remus, his features hardening. "I haven't forgotten. In fact, your willingness to come anywhere near me while in my wolf form, even for the sake of academic advancement, is rather inspiring, given your ... phobia."

"One more thing," said Severus icily. "It would be convenient if we could communicate while you were transformed, in case you have anything more complex to report than the tap of a paw could convey. Do you believe yourself to be competent in the practice of controlled occlumency?"

Remus shivered. "You know that I am. Seventh year with Professor Grayson would be difficult to put out of my mind even with all the controlled occlumency we learned in her class."

"Then you consent to one-way direct mental contact while transformed," said Severus. "I could speak, and you could respond with simple words or images. In fact, it might be an edifying experiment in itself."

Remus stood up to face Severus. "I know perfectly well why you want to gain access to my mind," he said. "But you will not find what you seek there. As I have assured the headmaster, I have not heard a word from Sirius Black in over a decade. My lycanthropy is my one great secret, and you already know about that. I have nothing further to hide from you. So yes, by all means poke around in my wolfy thoughts if you must. It'll keep me from going mad with boredom."

"Then it's settled," said Severus, heading toward the door. "I will see you in your quarters next Friday, at sundown, to start taking notes."

"Fine," said Remus. "Bring your pyjamas. It's going to be a long night."


	2. October

Remus answered the door in a threadbare cotton dressing gown.

"Good evening, Severus," he said. "Please excuse my current state of dress. I don't wish to damage my clothing when I transform."

Severus nodded. "Sensible of you. How long do we have before you do so?"

"About an hour," said Remus. "Come, sit down."

"In a moment," said Severus. "First, I wish to record your heart rate in your human form."

He pulled out a pocket watch, and without further ado, placed a hand on Remus' chest. Remus, in turn, drew a sudden breath. Severus began counting heartbeats.

"You are anxious," he commented when a minute had passed. "We had better try again when you are calm."

Remus wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. "I am a bit, at that. I've never taken this potion before, nor transformed within the walls of Hogwarts."

"The Wolfsbane potion is highly reliable," said Severus.

"I have heard that it is nearly infallible when properly brewed," said Remus.

"Are you implying that this batch may not be?" asked Snape, arching a challenging eyebrow.

"No, nothing of the sort," said Remus quickly. "I am merely a bit nervous about a new experience."

Severus sat down on the bed beside him and tried to adopt a pleasant tone. "Lupin, I know that this can't be comfortable for you. But you have my word that I will endeavor to keep both you and the students of Hogwarts safe from harm tonight. That is my primary purpose in coming here: it overrides any personal feeling between you and me. Forgive me if my bedside manner is lacking; I understand that I am not a man who naturally inspires trust in others."

"Dumbledore trusts you," Remus replied.

Severus nodded. "That he does."

"Severus," said Remus, "If you're referring to what happened in the war, I know that you spied for our side. That you served You Know Who willingly before that is ... regrettable, but many people did regrettable things in those days. What counts is that you turned away from that life, of your own free will."

"I did," Severus agreed.

Remus added, "Although I have always suspected your decision had something to do with Lily."

Severus gulped involuntarily. "Lily?"

"You were friends, weren't you, childhood friends?" said Remus. "I assume she talked you around in the end. She could be very persuasive."

Severus' eyes landed on the bare stone floor of the room. "Lily and I were not in contact at the time."

"Odd," said Remus. "She defended you more than once to the rest of the Order."

Severus did not respond.

"In any case," said Remus, "I do not actively distrust you. The war is over now. We have both lost friends. You Know Who has not been spotted for over a year, and all of his servants are locked up in Azkaban."

"Not all," Severus observed.

Remus turned toward Severus. "True. Tell me, Severus ... Many people suspect that Sirius will contact me. Is he likely to contact you? Does he believe you to be a fellow supporter still?"

Severus shook his head. "I never spoke to Black after leaving Hogwarts. I never saw him at any gathering of Death Eaters. He must have been the Dark Lord's secret weapon. He had no contact with the rest of us."

Speaking of Death Eater meetings brought Severus' mind to things he didn't want to think about.

Remus breathed in. "We are on the same side, Severus. I trust that you are not trying to physically poison me."

As if to prove it, he drank down the goblet of potion, grimacing horribly as he did so.

He then added, "You may yet attempt to cut me with your words, as you do to your students. But as I am a grown man now, I know that your bullying stems from your own bitter unhappiness."

Severus stared at him in surprise. Unhappiness? Many things had been whispered behind his back about his character and hygiene over the years, but somehow this one stung.

"My students are dangers to themselves from the moment they come within a meter of their cauldrons," he said. "If I am harsh, it is out of necessity. I do not have the luxury of coddling them."

"Coddling?" Remus let out a great bark of laughter. "You are Neville Longbottom's boggart. A young man whose parents were tortured into insanity, and his greatest fear is you."

"It is none of my affair if the boy is sensitive," Severus replied stiffly.

"You don't remember what it was like, do you?" said Remus. "To be thirteen years old, in disgrace for some mistake, an adult shouting at you ..."

"Enough!" roared Severus.

Because of course he remembered.

"I think we have time for a cup of tea before the moon comes out," said Remus softly.

He occupied himself with the kettle for a few minutes, his back turned. Severus fumed at himself. Had he really become such a monster? True, he'd never laid hands or wand on any of them. But apparently he didn't need to.

Remus returned and set a cup of tea in front of each of them. When he set down Severus', he placed a hand on the other's shoulder as if to steady himself, just for a moment.

"Your handling of your students is your own business, I suppose," said Remus. "But should you ever find yourself burdened by the weight of your own fearsome reputation, you may find that this room is as good a place as any to set it down for an hour or so."

Severus stared at him. How strange this all was. Was Lupin trying to get on his good side because the possibility of a full cure for lycanthropy in the future appealed to him? Because he was the new man at Hogwarts? Or was he genuinely trying to befriend Severus?

Severus didn't have much experience with people trying to befriend him. He had had one good friend in childhood, who had engaged his curiosity but fled from his darker aspects. And he had had several dorm mates with whom he had been friendly, young men in whom he could confide his longing to shoot a green bolt of light between the eyes of his muggle father, but not his growing romantic feelings for a muggleborn girl. He now had coworkers who hardly knew him at all. Remus, though, Remus already knew about all of his aspects, light and dark. How could he still be so accepting?

Perhaps the answer was simpler than that. Thinking back on his memories of Remus, he concluded that Remus was just one of those people who would be friends with anyone. He'd been friends with James and Sirius, who were arrogant bastards, simply because they shared a dormitory. He'd been friends with Peter Pettigrew, who seemed to have few redeeming qualities. And now he saw nothing odd about becoming friends with Severus.

The surprising thing was, Severus was tempted to let him.

Oh, Severus wasn't one of those idiots who frittered away their lives at parties. He enjoyed his solitude, enjoyed his books and his brewing. But was he not human? Did he not, on occasion over the summer holidays, nip down to the muggle pub near his house for a plate of shepherd's pie, and then linger in the corner over a beer, listening in on the conversations of his neighbors, if only to remind himself that he wasn't alone in the world?

He pulled a slim volume out of his pocket. "I brought something to read aloud to you when you are in your wolf form, to test your mental concentration."

"T.S. Eliot?" Remus said with surprise.

"It is of a convenient length, and easy to focus on," said Severus.

"And you had it on hand," Remus observed.

Severus shrugged.

"You're half blood, aren't you?" Remus asked, and coming from anyone else it would've carried some amount of challenge.

Severus simply replied, "Correct."

Remus looked down at the book of poetry. "There are some things the muggles did right."

Before he could say anything else, a moonbeam shot through the window, and he began to transform into a wolf. Severus couldn't help but gasp, willing himself not to take a step back. It wouldn't be a good idea to show fear.

To his relief, the wolf jumped up on the bed, circled around a few times like a dog, and lay down. Eyeing Severus with obvious recognition, he jerked his nose toward the book of poetry.

Severus sat down beside him and began to read.


	3. Examinations

Severus came to the end of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. The wolf was still watching him politely. Once he had gotten over his initial shock, he didn't mind its presence. It seemed to have retained the benign attitude of its human counterpart, with all the charm of a tame dog. Severus had always liked dogs, and in truth, he was tempted to pet it.

But in order to do much more testing, he would have to set up a line of communication.

"May I enter your mind now?" Severus asked, feeling a bit foolish talking to a wolf.

The wolf nodded its shaggy head.

Severus performed the spell. He was met with a wall, upon which hung a blackboard. An invisible piece of chalk began to write on the blackboard. "Hello, Severus," it said in spidery cursive writing. "Has anyone ever told you that you have a talent for speaking verse aloud?"

Severus smiled. More than anything else, this proved that the potion had worked well. A wild werewolf wouldn't have the presence of mind to perform occlumency, especially not controlled occlumency. This was delicate NEWT level magic. Both of them had worked at it for a solid month as students. If Remus could keep up his wall, something he probably hadn't practiced in years, he must be all there.

"Well done," he said sincerely to Remus. "You appear to be at full mental and magical power."

"What would you have done if I hadn't been?" asked the blackboard.

"I would have retreated," said Severus. "I am, above all, a gentleman."

Remus tried something new, sending an image over the wall, of himself folding his arms at Severus in polite disbelief.

Severus said, "I would like to see which spells you can perform in your animal form."

"All right," said the mental picture of Remus in his mind. "Bring me my wand and we'll see. It's on the table."

"You are proficient in nonverbal spellwork, ordinarily?" Severus asked.

"I am teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts," Remus pointed out. "I demonstrated nonverbal spells to my sixth years only last week."

"Very well," said Severus, bringing him his wand. "Let's start with a simple Lumos."

The wolf placed his paw over the wand. It lit up.

Severus made a note on his roll of parchment. "Fine," he said. "How about a bit of transfiguration next? The concentration requirement will be higher."

His pocket watch turned into a rooster. The rooster took one look at the wolf, then hopped off the bed in panic. Before it could cause any trouble, it turned back into a pocket watch.

"Excellent," said Severus. "How does it feel from your end? Any more difficulty than usual?"

"Not at all," said Remus. "I could duel you if I liked."

"I wouldn't advise it," Severus shot back. "Let's try non-magical mental agility. Could you please bring back that blackboard and try some simple sums? Two hundred and fourteen plus nine thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two."

Remus dutifully wrote down the numbers. "I always was hopeless at sums," he admitted. But after a bit of thought, he wrote down a six, then a three, then a one, then a ten. "Ten thousand, one hundred and thirty-six," he said.

Severus made a note of his time. "Who was the king of England after Henry III?"

"I haven't the faintest idea," said Remus. "But I don't suppose that's because of the potion. Henry IV?"

Severus chuckled. "Wrong by several. I ought to have tested you before you transformed. But no matter. What's important is that we can compare your results now to your results under the modified potion."

"You attended a muggle primary school, then?" said Remus.

"I did, as it happens," said Severus, "although I daresay purebloods know the kings of England as well as anyone."

"A good school?" Remus asked.

Severus grimaced, remembering grimy floors and sharp tongued boys. "Not particularly."

"Then you were simply a good student," said Remus.

"I read widely," said Severus blankly.

Of course he had, he reflected. What else had he to do at the time?

"Severus," said Remus, "Do you really think all this is necessary? If you can publish a variant of the Wolfsbane potion that we werewolves can brew ourselves at home, good enough to stop us from harming anyone during the full moon, that will make all the difference in the world. Nobody's going to be using the time to study for O-levels. Even if it simply puts us to sleep for the whole process, that would be perfectly acceptable."

"I seek to pass as close to perfection as possible," said Severus. "Incidentally, are you beginning to feel tired?"

"A bit," said Remus. "You can go if you like. I'll be back to normal around dawn."

"I would prefer to remain with you, at least for this first night," said Severus. "If the dosage was too low, if the potion wears off before dawn, even an hour before ..."

"I see," said Remus. "Thank you."

Severus transfigured an ugly chair into a cot for himself. The wolf soon dropped off to sleep. As he did so, the wall around his thoughts vanished. Severus removed himself from his colleague's mind, but not before catching a glimpse of a complex swirl of emotion. Remus seemed nervous and excited, afraid and peaceful. Severus supposed the worries of the day were melting into dreams.

Severus set a magical alarm for six in the morning, then went to sleep himself.

He awoke to find a nude Remus sleeping beside him, back to his human form a bit earlier than expected.

Quickly, he covered the man up with a blanket. But he'd seen everything. His face grew hot.

He remembered a night, over ten years ago now, when he'd been patrolling the towers as a new teacher. He'd caught a couple of seventh years kissing in the astronomy room, long after curfew. The boy had made a futile attempt to laugh it off, hoping the cool young professor would let it slide. When he'd given them both detention anyway and sent them back to their dormitories, the boy had turned nasty. He'd remarked that perhaps Professor Snape was only jealous, because he wasn't getting any passion himself.

Severus had added another night's detention, specifically assigning him the nastiest cleaning job possible, but the words had done their damage.

It was true, Severus had never so much as kissed another human being, unless you counted the drunken peck on the cheek from that awful muggle woman who had gone to primary school with him, as he was leaving the pub about five years ago. He couldn't say if he would have preferred a kiss from a male or female companion. Female seemed easier. But the sight of Remus just now ...

Remus opened his eyes and looked at Severus. "A gentleman, you say," he muttered sleepily.

Severus spun on his heel and abruptly left.


	4. Morning

Severus stalked back to his own quarters, trying not to panic. After all, he hadn't done anything wrong, had he? It was Remus who had unwisely gone to sleep without covering himself with a blanket. And it was only an amusing mishap, anyway, an incident of no lasting consequence. It had been foolish of him to leave so abruptly. He wasn't sure why Remus had made that remark about Severus being a gentleman, but surely it was just his earthy, inappropriate wit.

There was no way he could know...

And there was nothing to know, in any case. His reaction to seeing his colleague stark naked, first thing in the morning, had been nothing more than understandable shock. A bit prudish, perhaps, that was all. Remus would probably make a joke of it all the next time they met.

It was important that Severus get a few things straight with himself before they saw each other again. That he bury the fleeting urge that had told him to crawl into bed with Remus and curl up beside him. A fine mess he'd be in if he'd tried anything like that! The two men were barely friends, recently enemies, they worked together, they had taken on an important side project together, he had no personal experience in romantic matters, would surely embarrass himself, was brought up to believe homosexuality would endanger his immortal soul, and had no idea how Remus would feel about it.

Although it almost would have been worth it, just to wipe the smugness off of his saintly little face for one minute.

No, it had been a mistake even to allow the thoughts into his head. It was loneliness, nothing more. The mere sight of an attractive naked person his age in an intimate bedroom setting had awakened certain long-untended needs. The sexual needs could be taken care of, to an extent, as he lay in his own bed, behind the safety of several robust locking and muffling charms. But of course it had been more than that. Remus had showed him kindness and understanding. Kindness he received from the other professors on occasion, a familial sort of kindness, extra pairs of mittens and polite questions about his mother's health. Understanding, of the sort shared between equals, was much harder to come by, and the craving for it correspondingly more difficult to stifle. That the relationship between Remus and Severus should deepen over time seemed so desirable that the desire's heat terrified him. It would be so much safer to put those needs back to sleep, as he had always done, or to tend to them in some more unobtrusive way.

He wondered if there was such a way. A full time teaching position at a prestigious boarding school kept one busy, of course, but they were free to visit the village on evenings when they weren't on duty, or to walk down to the gate and apparate anywhere they liked. He had heard Charity Burbage, for instance, chatting away in the staff room about nights out in London with her muggle friends. A couple of the teachers were even married, like Vector. But the career did foster a rather monastic lifestyle, particularly for the older professors. Severus wondered idly if he would still be here in fifty years, a crotchety old bachelor professor instead of a crotchety young bachelor professor, a curtain of silver hair the only mark of time gone by.

He couldn't leave his post while the Dark Lord was still out there. He had promised himself to protect the children, one child in particular. Remus was wrong about the war being over; Severus would believe it when he saw the Dark Lord's body with his own eyes. And Remus didn't even know about the prophecy. One day, Severus knew, the Chosen One would do his vanquishing act. Severus wondered if he himself would still be alive then, and what sort of life he might make for himself afterwards. He could do anything then: travel, change careers, even marry. If he met the right women. If it even was a woman.

Severus hadn't given much thought before to being a homosexual. He wasn't too concerned about his immortal soul; it was probably a lost cause after all the horrific things he'd done. The wizarding world's relationship with the Christian religion had been rather strained since the time of the witch burnings, and the thought of doing something that would upset his working class muggle father rather pleased him. But his love for Lily had been real enough. He supposed one could be attracted to both men and women, like Oscar Wilde. Even Dumbledore had dallied with other men in his youth, if he'd read certain cryptic remarks correctly. The thought of having something in common with two of his role models brought a small smile to his face.

As a romantic partner, though, Remus was right out. Severus would have to take a step back where he was concerned. Too much risk. Remus probably wasn't interested, anyway. He simply felt guilt and pity about what his friends had done half a lifetime ago, and was making a show of restitution. Cordial friendliness, that was the thing to shoot for.

Severus washed and dressed for the day. As he approached the Slytherin common room, he saw three first years arguing. Darius Zabini and Caius Appleton were trying to cajole Andrew Perks into putting on a very suspicious looking bowler hat.

"Go on, Perks," said Zabini in a sinister voice. "Put it on. It'll look grand."

"No. You've obviously done something to it," said Perks in an exasperated voice that suggested this was not the first time.

"Try and find out!" cried Appleton, cramming it on his head where, predictably, it stuck fast and wouldn't come off.

Severus entered the room noiselessly. Remus' remarks from last night about Neville Longbottom ran through his head.

"Detention Zabini, Appleton," he said smoothly. "Perks, come with me."

The boy looked like he would rather wear the stupid looking hat forever than spend five minutes alone with Professor Snape, but he obediently followed his head of house to the potions classroom. It took Severus only a moment to locate a Disassembling Potion, drip a bit on the hat, and pull it off the boy's head.

Perks smiled. "Thanks," he said.

Severus tried to think of something to say. "You're not getting on well with your roommates, are you?"

A nervous look passed the boy's face. "I suppose not, sir," he said.

Severus gave him a knowing look. "You're going to be stuck with them for seven years," he said. "Best to show them you aren't to be trifled with, while there's still time to change their impression of you."

"How do I do that, sir?" asked Perks.

"You look at them as if they're Bengal tigers. They're only boys like yourself," said Severus. "They enjoy playing jokes on you; why not play one back?"

"What, and get them even angrier?" asked Perks.

"They won't be angry. They'll respect you," said Severus. "Show them you're not such a muff after all."

Perks nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, I'll try it. Thanks, sir."

"You're welcome," said Severus, wondering what had gotten into him.

At lunchtime, Severus sat down next to Remus at the staff table. Remus had the Daily Prophet open to the crossword puzzle, which he was carefully filling in. Severus leaned over and began to study the clues.

"Benediction," he said finally. "Fourteen across."

Remus looked at him, startled. "Quite right."

"I apologize for leaving so abruptly this morning, Lupin," Severus said in the dry voice he naturally put on whenever students were in earshot. "I shall bring another goblet of potion by your office tonight, if convenient."

"The fault was mine," said Remus, unable to keep the blush from his face. "In any case, everything went without a hitch last night, so I don't think I'll need your company tonight."

"How long does your condition drag on, normally?" Severus asked.

"Just the two nights," he said, tucking into a mound of potatoes. "I normally sleep the day away in between, having been awake all night. But today I feel wonderfully fit. I really do think I'll be able to keep a normal schedule now."

"I'm glad to hear it," said Severus. "And next month? Are you feeling up to testing the modifications?"

"Next month, I am at your disposal," Remus said blithely. "Experiment on me as you see fit. I entrust my body to you without reservation."

This time, it was Severus' turn to blush.


	5. Halloween

Over the next month, Severus and Remus remained on decent terms. They didn't have many direct conversations, but they shared a staff room and a dinner table, so they often participated in the same group conversations. From this, Severus knew that Remus was settling in to professorship well, other than some worries about how harshly he ought to grade essays.

"I eventually hit on a fair system," he told McGonagall one day as they sat in the staff room with their piles of marking. "For the fifth year essays, I rank them by quality. The top five get an Outstanding, then the next five get Exceeds Expectations, then the rest get Acceptable, as long as they've turned it in."

"Rather generous," said McGonagall. "Then you don't fail any of them?"

"Only if they're truly awful," said Remus. "Even then, I try to understand that they haven't all had an even grounding in the subject in the past."

He seemed to have made friends with Charity Burbage and Bathsheda Babbling, and had accompanied them to muggle London one weekend. It sounded like a good time was had by all. Severus didn't know what to think about that. But he started doing the crossword in the Daily Prophet regularly on weekends, in the Great Hall. It turned out to be rather enjoyable. Every once in awhile, he and Remus would silently sneak a peek at each other's grids, trying to fill in the blanks with their combined vocabulary.

As Halloween approached, he invited Remus down to the potions laboratory to observe the brewing of the Wolfsbane potion. After all, Remus would eventually need to be able to brew some version of it himself.

"Don't you think I'll be a professor here for long? Or is it you who plans to leave?" Remus asked as he shredded a purple moonflower.

"The Dark Arts post is one year only," said Severus. "No one has held it for more than a year for decades. Surely you noticed we had a different professor every year during our school years?"

Remus frowned. "I thought that was only a convention. That Dumbledore preferred to rotate in people who had practical experience, rather than lifetime academics."

"It happens no matter what Dumbledore plans," said Severus. "It's common knowledge that the position is cursed. We had a professor about ten years ago who was excellent, highly knowledgeable and very popular with the students. She fell off her broomstick and died. Best to plan your exit, really, rather than wait for some terrible accident."

Remus continued working in silence.

"Once the year is over," said Severus, "it's probably best if you go back to doing whatever it was you were doing before."

"I'd rather not," said Remus. "And I felt so pleased to get this job. I don't suppose any other professors are thinking about retiring?"

Severus considered Remus. He really was in a bad spot as far as employment went. Most wizards would sack him once they figured out he was a werewolf, and he hadn't the education for any good muggle jobs.

"You might write a book," Severus suggested. "You could go abroad, study the dark arts around the world. Slinkhard's books are rubbish, desperately in need of an update."

Remus nodded. "If I could brew my own potion, I could do that. Perhaps I could get a grant or something."

"Hogwarts might even fund it," said Severus. "They sent Quirrell abroad for a practical experience year."

Remus smiled. "I appreciate your advice. I've also heard you wanted the post yourself."

"Yes, well ..." said Severus. "We really haven't had a permanent professor since the 1950s. Ask anyone you like, or look it up in the library."

"I'm not accusing you of being untruthful," said Remus.

Severus made a skeptical noise. "This needs to stew for several hours," he said. "I'll bring you some when it's done. You'll need to take it a bit earlier than before, so the moonflower has time to take hold."

Severus did just that, discovering when he did so that Remus was entertaining Potter. Well, it was only natural. Severus thought bitterly of the rose coloured stories he was probably telling the boy about James.

And then, after the feast that night, Sirius Black was spotted in the castle.

Dumbledore swiftly divided the floors up among the teachers for searching. Just in time, Severus remembered Remus. Wasn't he about to transform? He caught Remus by the arm just before he disappeared. 

"I need to search for Black," whispered Severus. "Go down to the kitchens and ask one of the elves to stay with you tonight. I'll check on you when I can."

"Don't worry about me," said Remus.

Severus systematically prowled the third floor corridors, burning with adrenaline, still furious about what had happened. The audacity of Black! Sneaking into Hogwarts with a knife, threatening the students, slashing up one of the portrait hole guardians. Hogwarts, the one great safe place that nearly every wizard in the U.K. had in common. Well, perhaps not so safe in recent years. But this time, Severus knew the antagonist.

He remembered being a teenager and walking these same corridors, always just slightly afraid that Black and Potter were about to pop out and catch him on his own for a quick duel. Well, Severus was an adult now, a skilled fighter, and James was dead. Severus wasn't afraid to face Black one on one. In fact, he hoped for it.

Severus stopped dead. What if Black wasn't alone, though?

Remus had had the opportunity, earlier today, before the feast. Severus couldn't see how Black could've gotten in without help, and he knew only one person who would've had a motive. Remus had seemed sincere when he disavowed any current connection to his old friend. Could he have been lying?

The search dragged on for hours. Eventually, Severus met up with Dumbledore back in the great hall and reported his lack of findings. He was exhausted, but he needed to see Remus.

Remus' quarters were locked, but with a weak spell, most likely designed to keep himself in rather than others out. Severus broke it and stormed in, dismissing the house elf.

"I am only going to ask you this once, Lupin," he said to the wolf. "Did you help Black get into the castle?"

The wolf shook its head. Severus entered its mind, none too gently. Where there had been a wall before, there was a door. Above the door, he saw a sign. It read: 'I didn't do it. But I know you won't believe me. Come in and see for yourself.'

Severus hesitated. Breaking into another wizard's mind was considered a serious act of dark magic. But there was precedent for being invited in. Married couples did it sometimes, and paranoid criminals like the Dark Lord. He wasn't sure how it would affect his relationship with Remus, but he also knew he wouldn't rest until he'd looked. He opened the door.

Memories and thoughts flooded Severus. Remus as a boy, learning he would be able to come to Hogwarts. His attempts to impress Potter and Black. His joy when they accepted his secret. His confusion when they attacked Severus, whom he both admired and feared. The war years, undercover missions in the werewolf community, treading the dangerous life of a spy.

And then that terrible night, exactly twelve years ago, when Lily and James died. Severus felt raw grief and fury, love for Black turning into burning anger, compounded when Black managed to kill Pettigrew as well. A great deal of time alone. Remus was clearly not as mild mannered as he appeared. He saw him years later, reading in the newspaper about Black's breakout. Remus' memory of today, which he'd spent mostly on his own. Speculation about some sort of magical map, a secret passage under the Whomping Willow. A conversation with Dumbledore where he reminded the headmaster that Black knew about the passage.

But behind all the memories were the explosive emotions of present day Remus. Alarm and betrayal over Sirius' break in. Panic that Severus was in his mind right now. Fear that he would stop making the potion or even tamper with it, once he knew what Remus was really like. Yet, he'd had no choice but to let Severus in, or Severus would think he was helping Black and never make him a reliable potion again.

There were also quite a few more physical thoughts about the adult Severus, and how attractive confidence looked on his adult self. Fantasies, even. Conflicts over his relative merits, his juvenile sulkiness and animosity to the people beneath him weighed against his bravery, strength, and wit. A desire for the two of them to walk the path of healing together.

Part of Severus was wondering if Remus was a good enough Occlumens to fake thoughts at this level, to fool Severus and distract him with seduction. But the other part was simply lost in the other man's feelings. So many of the cruel little aches felt familiar, though Severus had never guessed they could live in any soul but his own. Finally, his rational mind caught up and pointed out that Remus must be mortified. He knew he would be. 

Severus exited his companion's brain and lay back against the headboard no longer concerned with trifles like personal space.

"I can see that you were telling the truth," he said.

The wolf looked up at him, for all the world like a dog afraid it was about to be kicked. Severus realized there was a choice he had to make very soon. He could drop the subject of what he had just seen forever. Or he could speak. If he did speak, it would have to be tonight.

Severus placed a hand on the wolf's furry head. "I apologize for opening that door, Remus," said Severus sincerely. "My actions tonight were rash and callous. You trusted me when you didn't have to, and I failed to extend you the same. It is up to you if you want to discuss what I may have seen or not seen. I have invaded your privacy tonight enough for a lifetime."

The wolf just stared at him.

"But I do have one question," Severus said. "When you have been kind to me, was it only because you needed my help?"

The wolf shook its head and placed a paw on Severus' chest.

Carefully, Severus entered his mind again, this time staying behind the door. An image of Remus opened the door and came out.

"If I have been kind to you," said Remus, "it was because I wanted to be."

"Why do you treat me well, when I treat you poorly?" Severus asked.

Remus wrapped a hand around his elbow. "You literally read me a bedtime story the last time you were here," he said. "Severus, half the fun of knowing you is that I have no idea what you're going to do next."

Severus looked him over carefully, searching for clues about his mental state. This was the moment. Remus had handed it to him on a platter. It was risky, yes, and it would change many things. But dash it all, what he wanted was floating in front of his nose, like a snitch waiting to be caught. Was he really going to push Remus away, as he'd done with Lily? At this rate, he'd be in the nursing home before he had his first kiss.

As if on cue, the wolf morphed back into a man, his lower half covered by the sheet. Severus pulled himself out of his mind reading to find that he had been unconsciously drawing near to Remus in the physical world. They were close, so close.

"Remus," whispered Severus. "You know what I am. You know the complications. If you wish to let this cup pass from your lips, I will never speak of it again."

Instead, Remus leaned forward, one hand buried in a curtain of black hair. Both men drank deeply.


	6. X's and O's

Severus was in shock. He was closer to Remus than he had ever been to another human being. Remus had closed his eyes, so Severus did, too. He felt the unfamiliar sensation of lips on his, wetter than he had expected, his enjoyment tainted by worries about what he was supposed to be doing. Remus was moving his mouth together and apart in a steady rhythm, so he tried to copy the motion.

"Severus, you're shaking," Remus observed, breaking apart from him. "Are you sure you want this?"

Severus looked down and saw that his hands were indeed trembling. "I'm sure," he said.

"Is this your first time kissing another man?" Remus asked.

And, deciding that honesty was the best policy, Severus replied, "This is my first time kissing anyone."

A laugh escaped Remus' throat. Severus immediately pulled back and folded his arms.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you," he said. "I just didn't expect that answer."

Severus couldn't believe this. A first kiss was supposed to be lovely and magical. He wasn't supposed to be laughed at. If only he'd started dating as a kid, like a normal person. Why had he waited around so long for Lily? And why hadn't he moved on with his life in the twelve years since?

"I'm not a fool," he said. "I know what people say about me. Who did you expect would date greasy, horrible, Professor Snape?"

"Oh, come now," said Remus. "You're a professor at a boarding school, a rather strict professor. You don't take the things the children say about you to heart, do you?"

"I live and work here," said Severus. "I'm surrounded by them, all the time. It's difficult not to see the world as they do."

"You're an attractive man," said Remus, putting his arm around Severus. 

"Don't patronize me, Lupin," said Severus, pulling away.

"No, I mean it," said Remus. "In fact, I was at the Hog's Head last New Year's Eve, and I heard a few young women talking about you. It seems you taught them years ago, and they had certain, er, academia related fantasies, in which you played a prominent role."

Snape glowered at this. "Why do we have to live in a society the size of a postage stamp?" he mused. "Nearly every witch or wizard in the U.K. within a decade of my age is either a former classmate or a former student. Some of them are both."

Remus smiled. "It does get tiresome sometimes. That's why I like to escape to the muggle world from time to time, where no one knows me. I could take you there sometime, for a meal perhaps."

"Do you mean like a date?" Severus asked.

"Exactly like a date," he said. "A fair virgin such as yourself deserves to be courted."

"Please don't make fun of me," Severus said, standing up. "This is difficult enough as it is."

"What's difficult?" Remus asked soberly.

"Well," said Severus, "not knowing what to do, not knowing what's going to happen now. Not wanting to look a fool."

Remus took his hand. "What do you want to happen now?"

"In the short term, I would like to sleep," said Severus, sitting back down beside Remus on the bed. "In the long term ... what is your interest in me, Remus? It isn't as if we could ... be a couple, openly. The students would never let us hear the end of it."

"No, the students must never know," Remus agreed.

"But what would it be that they were, er, not knowing?" Snape asked.

"You're at a distinct advantage with me right now, Severus," said Remus. "You have seen exactly how I feel, but I don't know how you feel. Do you even like me, as a person? Is this a one time thing, or are you romantically interested?"

"Yes," said Severus. "You're twice the man I am."

"Well then," said Remus. "That settles it. We're secretly dating."

Severus laughed.

"Rather juvenile, but there you go, that's how it has to be," said Remus. "I shall take you on a date away from the castle, perhaps next Saturday, so that we can get to know one another further. As regards the touching, we can go at your pace."

This all sounded wonderful to Severus. It seemed a bit odd to be discussing things this frankly, when he had an idea they were usually discussed with a certain amount of coyness. But their situation with the school was delicate, and he felt it was better to be direct. Whatever adolescent fantasies he'd cherished about walking down the corridors, arm in arm with his first girlfriend, would have to wait. As he had reminded Remus yesterday, they wouldn't be colleagues forever.

"May I ... sleep beside you, for the rest of the evening?" he asked timidly.

Remus slipped his underpants back on beneath the sheets. "Yes," he said. "Please remove your shoes, though; I like to keep a tidy bed."

Severus removed his shoes and socks and transfigured his clothing into a plain set of pajamas. He lay down beside Remus, who pulled him into a sort of embrace. It was absolutely wonderful to be this close to him, smelling the sweat on his skin. Remus was rubbing his arm, his hair, his shoulder, anywhere he could reach. Severus had no memory of being touched liked this, fondly and casually, peace stealing into his soul. Tentatively, he traced a pattern on Remus' back, which the other man seemed to like. At some point they kissed again, and it was easier this time. Severus drifted off to sleep, warm in Remus' arms, thinking happy thoughts. He had a date next Saturday. How extraordinary. He thought idly that this was the force that had defeated Voldemort, and perhaps that wasn't so surprising after all. 

He awoke hours later, sunlight streaming through the window, with an erection.

Remus felt it poking him, but he seemed to be making an effort not to make fun of Severus, so he just said, "Would you like me to have a go at that, or are we not there yet?"

Severus sat up. So it hadn't been a dream. "I don't fancy walking down the corridor with it," he said. "But I'm afraid I don't know much about homosexuals. How do you, er ... I suppose you know?"

"I have been with men before, yes," said Remus. "And women. Both can be nice."

"Then what would you suggest?" Severus asked.

"There are several possibilities," said Remus. "There is sodomy, of course, but I'm sure it would be too soon for that. I could manipulate it with my hands, or suck on it, as a woman would do."

Severus blushed furiously. It was all very well to talk about secretly dating in the middle of the night, but now that it was daytime, he felt daunted. "You would do those things with me?"

"Yes," he said. "Not right away, of course; one rather works up to them. Foreplay, you know."

"I don't," he said firmly.

"Look here, we'll just take it slowly," said Remus. "Why don't you remove your shirt, and then we'll go from there? I won't do anything without warning you."

Severus took off his pajama top, feeling anxious.

"I'm going to kiss you now," said Remus.

They wrapped their arms around one another and kissed for a bit. Remus explored Severus' upper body with his fingers. The touch was gentle and exciting, and his erection increased. Remus' hands slid down to his hips, then his stomach. The idea of removing his underpants and letting Remus touch his cock, terrifying only a few minutes ago, now seemed like a beautiful inevitability.

"I'm going to take off the rest of your clothes, and mine," Remus whispered, and he nodded as his pajamas and underwear slid off of his body. Remus' underwear disappeared, too, and they were both utterly naked, holding each other close, skin to skin, kissing and touching and rubbing everywhere they could manage. Remus gently fingered his inner thighs, his stomach, everywhere around his penis.

"Remus, please," whispered Severus.

"Please what?" Remus asked.

"Please touch my cock," he said, embarrassed, but it was worth it when a finger traced its way down his shaft to the tip.

"What shall I do with it?" asked Remus in a low voice. "Would you like me to suck it?"

Severus nodded with his whole body. Remus inched down the bed to his groin, then picked up Severus' penis and carefully placed it into his mouth. The warmth and moisture caught Severus off guard. Remus bobbed up and down in a steady rhythm for about a minute, forcing powerful waves of pleasure over him, at which point Severus reached orgasm.

He tried to remember how long men were supposed to last. That had been too quick, hadn't it? But Remus didn't seem to mind, as he returned to the head of the bed to embrace Severus again. It was astounding how good he felt right now. But as they cuddled, Severus realized that now Remus was hard.

There was no way he could bring off a blowjob. He'd accidentally bite it or something. Severus was so used to being adept at everything important, but now he felt totally humbled.

"Remus," he asked nervously, "what shall I do to you?"

"Oh, a handjob would do for now," he said.

"How do I, er, do that?" he asked.

Remus smiled. "Just the same as you do to yourself," he said, rolling on his back a bit while keeping one arm around Severus.

Severus gingerly placed his hand on Remus' cock, vowing that one day he would master the blowjob. Possibly even buggery, though he wasn't so sure about that. For now, he gently stroked the penis in his hand. Remus seemed content with this, grunting softly now and then. Severus felt a gleam of triumph as Remus' relaxed face lit up with pleasure, pleasure he was causing. Eventually, Remus ejaculated as well. Then, Severus covered them up with the blanket, snuggled closer, and they both fell back asleep until lunch time.


End file.
